What is Your Penis Trying to Tell You?
Hearing from a medical doctor that you are medically cleared of any health issues that might be causing erectile dysfunction should be a relief. However, for many men, this is not the news they hoped for. Let me explain.
One of the most difficult things for a male to hear relating to their penis is that there’s nothing medically wrong, and it’s still not functioning as they want. This is when they show up in my office. They share with me that their testosterone levels are normal, and no other current medical conditions should be impacting erections. It’s a profound hit to the ego when the penis isn’t functioning properly. The shame that appears on these men is as obvious as the sky is blue on a clear day. Even saying the word penis is embarrassing by the nonverbals I see across from me. I let the men know that the more information they share, the closer they get to an orgasm. That makes some giggle, and others turn red in the face.
Uncomfortable, shameful symptoms wreak havoc. Let me explain. Here are common scenarios that I see with men and sexual dysfunction. Grief, infidelity, sexual abuse, stress, and substance abuse, to name a few. Beyond the physiology of the body, it is important to note the emotional connection that men have with their penis.
The penis is not just an appendage to the body but is deeply connected to the ego. Many men I’ve seen with erectile issues feel ashamed of themselves, as if something is inherently wrong with them. They often report feeling less of a man, like a disappointment to their partner, and like a failure. Remember, the penis is a representation of their emotional state. Let’s focus on grief for further explanation of this experience.
When a loved one dies, it can be difficult for a while after this death for the penis to sexually function again. When the body is overcome with grief, the penis reacts. Ask yourself if your penis matches your emotions. Notice if you tell yourself you’re “fine,” and your penis does not want to sexually perform. You may be in emotional denial, but the penis will often be the truth-teller. Any death is impactful emotionally, which is then translated to penile functioning.
Some men who experience death become sex-avoidant, and others become hypersexual. They want to have sex with as many partners as possible because they feel that life may end when you least expect it, so you might as well enjoy the time you have left. They’re using sex to numb themselves. On the other hand, men who avoid intimacy also practice numbing by evading things that spark attachment or intimacy. When the body decides that it has had enough of the emotional denial and pretending everything is fine, the penis may stop working. Or it doesn’t stop working entirely but you need medication for an erection to occur. But here’s the kicker; sometimes medicines to help with erectile dysfunction don’t work. There’s this assumption that medication will work, and that’s not true. It might work for some, no matter the circumstance, but I’ve heard several stories of men trying to use erectile performance medication, and it not working. It doesn’t matter if it has been years or months, but when there is unresolved grief, the penis will continue to react to the emotional state of the body.
I write all of this as a female sexologist because men have different sexual experiences than women physiologically and emotionally. It’s important to know the difference between us and to put some information on the table, which can help those with a penis or those who are in a relationship with someone who has one. Anything I write is not 100% scientific but accounts for several years as a mental health therapist habing such discussions with clients.
Sexual dysfunction can occur when you’ve been medically cleared, and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s a matter of what happened to you, and the pain that continues sitting somewhere inside your body longing to be healed. If you’ve experienced things like death or abuse at any age in your life, your penis might be feeling the emotional impact of that experience. Some people may read this and have a hard time understanding why emphasize the penis and its dysfunction, but that’s part of how men are wired. The penis is not just connected to the ego and sexual pleasure, but it is their life force. It is a part of them that is expected to work all the time, no matter if they are stressed, grieving, overwhelmed, etc.
Here’s my request for you. If you are reading this, and it resonates with you, ask yourself why. What have you been through that made you feel inadequate, disappointed, and ashamed? If your penis had to tell you something based on its functioning, what would it say? If you are struggling to keep an erection, ask yourself what’s emotionally hurting you. If your libido is low and you’ve been medically cleared, ask yourself if a violation of boundaries is something you’ve experienced in childhood.
Trauma does not have to be extreme for erectile dysfunction to occur. Any moments, short or prolonged where the body feels overwhelmed, stressed, ashamed, unsafe, embarrassed, or confused, to name a few, is completely normal for the penis to negatively react. It is trying to get your attention, and the malfunction of a penis is an impactful way for the body to do so. If you’re reading this, and it resonates, and you feel comfortable talking to someone, reach out to talk with a mental health therapist. If you’re not ready for that, that’s OK. Even the acknowledgment and awareness that your penis is trying to tell you something emotionally is a positive step towards a healthier way of being with your sexual self.
